My run this weekend led me to an fun little insight I had to share. This run was unique in two ways, one it was ridiculously long, and two I did it in a state park near my parents house (not my usual stomping grounds). I was nearing the end of my run, and the rest of the world was just getting going. All morning my dad and I had the entire park to ourselves. So we took the bike on the hiking trails (oooo naughty). I was currently running on the bike path (we're such rebels).
I heard a bike behind us and turned and looked. It was a boy, about 10, and a toe-head. Oh, he was waiting impatiently patient for my dad to get the hell out of his way! He was attempting to contain the urgency he felt as we climbed the "big hill" on the path. What's on the other side of the uphill? A down hill! What type of heretic doesn't want to fly down a curvy hill! I could feel his panic, and yet he didn't say a word. "Dad, get over. You're in the man's way!" He came zooming by us and then let go of the handle bars! It was fun to watch him arms out, blonde head still, body swaying, as he coasted down the hill! Then came his two brothers very close in age to him, also blonde and zooming, and his "Grandpa".
"Three boys ey?"
"Yep"
"Wow! Good Luck"
Chuckles "thanks I need it"
It was like the grandpa and I had an understanding, a bond. That I wouldn't have known he needed luck if I didn't have a couple myself. "It's a Jeep thing you wouldn't understand". You know how Jeep owners wave a certain wave at each other as they pass. It is like that. I don't know if having daughters is like that too, because I don't have a daughter. I don't know why it is; patriarical society, puppy dogs tails? Who knows. I do know that is how it is.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Activities
I don't know how many times I've heard, "Isn't about time to get Cooper into sports?" He is now 8 and has been enrolled into his first scheduled activity, Gymnastics. I'm sure this frustrates some of our friends and family, some of whom have been waiting watery mouthed for years to see what kind of athletic potential he (as the son of two D1 athlete) holds. When we finally sign him up for a sport, we go for something non-competitive.
Well, I guess we felt it was more important for him to be a kid first. We decided, while he was still just a fetus, that we would wait to sign him up for something until he asked. We also decided that skills needed to come before competition. We made a short list of sports that would teach overarching skills, and build an aerobic base, while simultaneously strengthening and preserving his muscular, skeletal, and nervous systems. Gymnastics, Martial Arts, and Swimming. That's the list he had to pick from.
We've attended only one class. So far, the major benefit I've witnessed is a rise in his overall confidence. He loves it, and is incredibly competitive so I'm glad he's only competing against himself for now. He needs to learn that skill before actually competing against someone else. So far it's obvious he has inherited his father's persistance, balance, grace and strength. He has inherited his mother's intrinsic motivation, intensity, and rediculous drive. One day a week we all get explore Cooper's athleticism with him. It's going to be a great adventure. The other 6 days a week, he can play.
Well, I guess we felt it was more important for him to be a kid first. We decided, while he was still just a fetus, that we would wait to sign him up for something until he asked. We also decided that skills needed to come before competition. We made a short list of sports that would teach overarching skills, and build an aerobic base, while simultaneously strengthening and preserving his muscular, skeletal, and nervous systems. Gymnastics, Martial Arts, and Swimming. That's the list he had to pick from.
We've attended only one class. So far, the major benefit I've witnessed is a rise in his overall confidence. He loves it, and is incredibly competitive so I'm glad he's only competing against himself for now. He needs to learn that skill before actually competing against someone else. So far it's obvious he has inherited his father's persistance, balance, grace and strength. He has inherited his mother's intrinsic motivation, intensity, and rediculous drive. One day a week we all get explore Cooper's athleticism with him. It's going to be a great adventure. The other 6 days a week, he can play.
New year same old crap
Well, a new school year is underway. My youngest son is entering Kindergarten. Luckily his teacher has recognized his well developed sense of humor and embraces it. I've been having flashbacks to Billy Madison. News Week just published an article that comments on the latest study concerning the fall out of boys in the education circle and their rise in mental health issues. http://www.newsweek.com/id/157898?gt1=43002
I can't help but agree with the author of the article. I am going to go one step further and say: the biological, physical, and emotional needs of boys hasn't evolved over the last 15 years. Boys today are essentially the same as they were in 1950, or 1800, or 1995. They still experience the ebb and flow of testosterone, they still tend to be bodily kinesthetic learners. Their needs haven't changed, but the world around them has. So duh! Of course they are depressed, and inattentive and lack interest in school. Wouldn't you if you had the uncontrollable urge to be up and moving. An unquenchable curiosity satisfied only by experiential knowledge. How would you feel if you followed your instincts only be told you were being "naughty". I'd hate life, school, myself.
Think about how boys have been depicted through literature, and movies over the last few hundred years. Huck Finn (the boy archetype), Oliver Twist, Sandlot. Instead of having a world of Hucks, Tom Sawyers, McDuffs, and Mercutios we have a lot of Hamlets and Romeos walking around wondering "exactly what is the point". What was once the exception is now the norm, and visa versa. When was the last time you saw a group of boys voluntarily organize themselves into a game of pick up ball, or work together toward a goal of their own? We are failing to let them be. As a feminist the idea of letting boys be boys once terrified me. I figured we'd have a lot of homicidal, testosterone charged woman-haters running around. After 8 years of dealing with growing boys I now understand that they desperately need to learn through facilitated exploration. They need to learn about consequences in a caring environment. They need freedom to play. They learn through doing, through play, and wither when placed at a table with a workbook. They become the rebellious, unhappy Huck driven to the river (an extended metaphor for life's learning curve) for peace, safety, and to do "real" learning. Boys learn very little this (seat work) way other than to hate the "establishment", that they have nothing to offer it, and that the "establishment" is better off without them.
Not only are we not meeting their needs, we are condemning our sons for behaving the way their bodies tell them too. What's the difference between then and now. Sitting in a seat most of the day (and childhood obesity is a mystery? Come on!), paper work, in stead of manipulative learning, and scheduled activities eat-up playtime. So if I hear that either of my sons won't sit still, or jumps down the stairs, or won't pay attention during reading I might just cheer for him because he is doing what his teacher/school is not. He is attempting to meet his needs. I'll work with him at home to help learn to read. (Please note, it's been widely published that until the age of 7 most boys lack the cognitive functions, regarding language, required to learn to read.) I think we got lucky this year. Both teachers seem tuned in to boys, and more specifically, my boys. Good luck to the rest of you, parents and teachers alike. They need us to be their advocates! Mark Twain got one thing right. Boys, in an environment that is stifling to their needs, will "act-out". So listen to them, and to the facts.
I can't help but agree with the author of the article. I am going to go one step further and say: the biological, physical, and emotional needs of boys hasn't evolved over the last 15 years. Boys today are essentially the same as they were in 1950, or 1800, or 1995. They still experience the ebb and flow of testosterone, they still tend to be bodily kinesthetic learners. Their needs haven't changed, but the world around them has. So duh! Of course they are depressed, and inattentive and lack interest in school. Wouldn't you if you had the uncontrollable urge to be up and moving. An unquenchable curiosity satisfied only by experiential knowledge. How would you feel if you followed your instincts only be told you were being "naughty". I'd hate life, school, myself.
Think about how boys have been depicted through literature, and movies over the last few hundred years. Huck Finn (the boy archetype), Oliver Twist, Sandlot. Instead of having a world of Hucks, Tom Sawyers, McDuffs, and Mercutios we have a lot of Hamlets and Romeos walking around wondering "exactly what is the point". What was once the exception is now the norm, and visa versa. When was the last time you saw a group of boys voluntarily organize themselves into a game of pick up ball, or work together toward a goal of their own? We are failing to let them be. As a feminist the idea of letting boys be boys once terrified me. I figured we'd have a lot of homicidal, testosterone charged woman-haters running around. After 8 years of dealing with growing boys I now understand that they desperately need to learn through facilitated exploration. They need to learn about consequences in a caring environment. They need freedom to play. They learn through doing, through play, and wither when placed at a table with a workbook. They become the rebellious, unhappy Huck driven to the river (an extended metaphor for life's learning curve) for peace, safety, and to do "real" learning. Boys learn very little this (seat work) way other than to hate the "establishment", that they have nothing to offer it, and that the "establishment" is better off without them.
Not only are we not meeting their needs, we are condemning our sons for behaving the way their bodies tell them too. What's the difference between then and now. Sitting in a seat most of the day (and childhood obesity is a mystery? Come on!), paper work, in stead of manipulative learning, and scheduled activities eat-up playtime. So if I hear that either of my sons won't sit still, or jumps down the stairs, or won't pay attention during reading I might just cheer for him because he is doing what his teacher/school is not. He is attempting to meet his needs. I'll work with him at home to help learn to read. (Please note, it's been widely published that until the age of 7 most boys lack the cognitive functions, regarding language, required to learn to read.) I think we got lucky this year. Both teachers seem tuned in to boys, and more specifically, my boys. Good luck to the rest of you, parents and teachers alike. They need us to be their advocates! Mark Twain got one thing right. Boys, in an environment that is stifling to their needs, will "act-out". So listen to them, and to the facts.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Lord of the Flies
By the time we left my my in-laws to come home from our fourth of July weekend, Will had a bloody fat lip, claw marks on his cheek, and a sore fist. My nephew had a black eye, claw marks on his brow, and a great dislike for his Aunt Annie. He and Will are only 6 months apart in age and can only get along with constant supervision and assistance. Unfortunately this was the 4th of July and a family reunion. Most of the adults were preoccupied.
My mother in-law was correct in her observations of the weekend. She should be. She has three sons, and Five grandsons. No girls in this family! She observed that boys, unless they are told who is the leader, will fight it out until they determine who is the Alpha male. Her observation is backed up by Steve Biddulph (a Psychologist and renouned Family Therapist) in his Book "Raising Boys" (one of my must reads).
In Chapter Three Biddulph explains that boys have a need to know three things; Who's in charge, what are the rules, and will those rules be fairly enforced? When boys are unclear of the answer to any one of these three questions they will fight to determine the answer amongst themselves.
Every time we (adults) left my son, Will, and my nephew, Caleb alone to play it wasn't 2 minutes before a shrill, banshee like scream would split the air, followed by wailing that would shame a defeated beauty queen. They'd fight until one of them was bleeding. This was really frustrating, particularly for my husband and father in-law who just wanted the boys to play so they could relax. They'd just get situated in a lawn chair with a beer, and some food when all hell would break loose and they'd have to get up again. Sound familiar? Well there is a reason why the boys do this.
The Boys were fighting because Will wants to ensure justice, and Caleb wanted to ensure his power role in his house went unchallenged. Caleb did not want to share his toys or his grandparents with anyone else, Will saw this as a violation of the sharing rule. So they were challenging "who's in charge?" and "Will the rules be fairly enforced?" In the process they broke every rule. It was truly "Lord of the Flies".
Caleb now hates me for taking over and asserting dominance over both boys. I forced Caleb to share. I enforced the rules fairly to show them who was in charge. Eventually, Caleb would've come around, and been thankful to have not lost power to Willem, but since I was only in for the weekend, he felt as though he had lost power to me. A loss of power was a loss of power. Period. It may have been better had one of my in-laws stepped in, but they were entertaining the whole family and therefore couldn't be constant presence with the boys.
Biddulph claims that this conflict was not just caused by environmental stimuli, but by a biological one as well. Testosterone, he claims, has been proven to rise in environments where boys feel unsafe or fearful (i.e. in an environment that is abusive, or unsupervised), and drops in environments where boys feel safe, and supported. While natural levels of testosterone are determined prior to birth, those levels rise and fall throughout a boys life in response to their environment and physical development.
The conclusion to draw from this. If you see a group of ruckus boys you can bet there is a lack of adult leadership and involvement in their lives. Whether it be at a family reunion, playground, school, or street corner boys without leaders become their own worst enemies trying to determine who their leader is. The old adage, two boys can have an IQ of 100 separately, get them together and their collective IQ is 100 would seem to be true. To prevent this be sure you have structure set up for your sons. Games, or activities that allow them all to participate, that are led by adults. Just be safe, be their leader and provide them with the security they need.
My mother in-law was correct in her observations of the weekend. She should be. She has three sons, and Five grandsons. No girls in this family! She observed that boys, unless they are told who is the leader, will fight it out until they determine who is the Alpha male. Her observation is backed up by Steve Biddulph (a Psychologist and renouned Family Therapist) in his Book "Raising Boys" (one of my must reads).
In Chapter Three Biddulph explains that boys have a need to know three things; Who's in charge, what are the rules, and will those rules be fairly enforced? When boys are unclear of the answer to any one of these three questions they will fight to determine the answer amongst themselves.
Every time we (adults) left my son, Will, and my nephew, Caleb alone to play it wasn't 2 minutes before a shrill, banshee like scream would split the air, followed by wailing that would shame a defeated beauty queen. They'd fight until one of them was bleeding. This was really frustrating, particularly for my husband and father in-law who just wanted the boys to play so they could relax. They'd just get situated in a lawn chair with a beer, and some food when all hell would break loose and they'd have to get up again. Sound familiar? Well there is a reason why the boys do this.
The Boys were fighting because Will wants to ensure justice, and Caleb wanted to ensure his power role in his house went unchallenged. Caleb did not want to share his toys or his grandparents with anyone else, Will saw this as a violation of the sharing rule. So they were challenging "who's in charge?" and "Will the rules be fairly enforced?" In the process they broke every rule. It was truly "Lord of the Flies".
Caleb now hates me for taking over and asserting dominance over both boys. I forced Caleb to share. I enforced the rules fairly to show them who was in charge. Eventually, Caleb would've come around, and been thankful to have not lost power to Willem, but since I was only in for the weekend, he felt as though he had lost power to me. A loss of power was a loss of power. Period. It may have been better had one of my in-laws stepped in, but they were entertaining the whole family and therefore couldn't be constant presence with the boys.
Biddulph claims that this conflict was not just caused by environmental stimuli, but by a biological one as well. Testosterone, he claims, has been proven to rise in environments where boys feel unsafe or fearful (i.e. in an environment that is abusive, or unsupervised), and drops in environments where boys feel safe, and supported. While natural levels of testosterone are determined prior to birth, those levels rise and fall throughout a boys life in response to their environment and physical development.
The conclusion to draw from this. If you see a group of ruckus boys you can bet there is a lack of adult leadership and involvement in their lives. Whether it be at a family reunion, playground, school, or street corner boys without leaders become their own worst enemies trying to determine who their leader is. The old adage, two boys can have an IQ of 100 separately, get them together and their collective IQ is 100 would seem to be true. To prevent this be sure you have structure set up for your sons. Games, or activities that allow them all to participate, that are led by adults. Just be safe, be their leader and provide them with the security they need.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
today's assignment
Go to the Boysproject website (link on the right). Click on the statistics link. Take note of two things, one the gender gaps present in the diagnosis of various disabilities and participation in programs designed for disabled students and compare that to the gender gaps present in attendance in Higher Education Programs. Then take note at the gender gaps in suicide rates at various ages. Draw your own conclusion. If you haven't started doing your own research yet, this may help to motivate you. I have a definite opinion, of course, as an educator and a mother. I will reserve it, and hope that you leave comments disclosing your insights, no matter what they are.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
puppy dogs tails
"They'll just run around and start to play, you know how boys are. We'll need something for the girls though. Water balloons, or a craft. Man, boys and girls are just so different" This is what I heard a mother say in the locker room of my gym today. She was planning a party. This comment shares the same thoughts and feelings I hear everyday in my locker room, at the play ground, pretty much everywhere I go that there are mothers present. Yet until VERY recently this fact was denied by most academics in the fields of Education, Psychology, and Gender Studies. I would know. I was an English Education major with a strong emphasis on Women's Studies.
As I sat in class and listened attentively to my professors bemoan the gender programing of little boys and girls I nodded and took notes. It is bad to push fire trucks on boys and barbies on girls. I hated barbies, with their stupid blond hair and blue eyes, so did my sister. We dressed my brother up in dresses and make-up and he's "normal". My opinions were only reinforced and inflamed through my experiences as a successful Division I track and field athlete. My children would be raised in gender neutral atmosphere, and they were.
So what changed you ask? I had not one, but two sons. The second one more testosterone charged than the first. Irony has a way of forcing insight on those it affects. As my second son hit the age of three my husband left for three months to start a business in another state. As luck would have it I was left alone to deal with a freshly potty trained boy. Let us not be coy, a boy with a new affinity for his working parts. I had never had this experience, to this degree. It was his favorite toy. On top of that endearing quality he broke things, he was impulsive, rambunctious. The child was an ogre. Yet so sweet I'd pucker up all over. He called me his "sweet pwincess mommy". My personality hardly fits that of a princess, a bar wench maybe, but not a princess. So I needed help.
I wasn't programming him to be this stereotypical boy, or to have him see me, a girl, as delicate, I didn't even get cable! Where was it coming from? Finally, I came to the conclusion it was coming from within. My older son never behaved so primally, and my husband wasn't there to taint my youngest son. The child grunted as an infant instead of crying, and flexed his muscles incessantly. It was as if I had spawned Bruce Campbell.
I researched and read every book on raising boys I could get my hands on. I also went back to my gender studies materials. Which, I might add, would be very helpful in raising a girl, but of no use in raising a boy! Dobson angered me in what I considered to be his blatant sexism, as did an obscure book, I can't find anywhere now, by a feminist who had three sons of her own. I did how ever find "Raising Boys" by Steve Bidduph to be quite informative and helpful. Little did I know that all this innocent research I was doing to understand my youngest son would prove crucial (along with my background teaching Special Education and At-Risk kids) in saving my oldest son from the grips of the Boys with ADHD phenomena the following year.
Because of my oldest sons experiences at school this year I have started this blog. To share what I know with other parents. I'm terrified of what will happen to those boys whose parents do not know what I know. This is a place where I will post our experiences as well as information and links to help other parents of boys. It is important to know that one third of boys between 22 and 34 are living at home. I you want to free your son you need to know more. I suggest reading, "Raising Boys", and "Boys Adrift" by Leonard Sax (http://www.boysadrift.com/) and keeping up with this blog. Keep on your son's teacher. If you EVER hear his teacher say "I think your son has ADHD" get ready for a knock down drag out! Teachers are not doctors. I will post later on this topic, from my experience with my son's school, and my experience as a teacher who worked mainly with kids diagnosed ADHD. For now I'm signing off! Read on to empowerment!
As I sat in class and listened attentively to my professors bemoan the gender programing of little boys and girls I nodded and took notes. It is bad to push fire trucks on boys and barbies on girls. I hated barbies, with their stupid blond hair and blue eyes, so did my sister. We dressed my brother up in dresses and make-up and he's "normal". My opinions were only reinforced and inflamed through my experiences as a successful Division I track and field athlete. My children would be raised in gender neutral atmosphere, and they were.
So what changed you ask? I had not one, but two sons. The second one more testosterone charged than the first. Irony has a way of forcing insight on those it affects. As my second son hit the age of three my husband left for three months to start a business in another state. As luck would have it I was left alone to deal with a freshly potty trained boy. Let us not be coy, a boy with a new affinity for his working parts. I had never had this experience, to this degree. It was his favorite toy. On top of that endearing quality he broke things, he was impulsive, rambunctious. The child was an ogre. Yet so sweet I'd pucker up all over. He called me his "sweet pwincess mommy". My personality hardly fits that of a princess, a bar wench maybe, but not a princess. So I needed help.
I wasn't programming him to be this stereotypical boy, or to have him see me, a girl, as delicate, I didn't even get cable! Where was it coming from? Finally, I came to the conclusion it was coming from within. My older son never behaved so primally, and my husband wasn't there to taint my youngest son. The child grunted as an infant instead of crying, and flexed his muscles incessantly. It was as if I had spawned Bruce Campbell.
I researched and read every book on raising boys I could get my hands on. I also went back to my gender studies materials. Which, I might add, would be very helpful in raising a girl, but of no use in raising a boy! Dobson angered me in what I considered to be his blatant sexism, as did an obscure book, I can't find anywhere now, by a feminist who had three sons of her own. I did how ever find "Raising Boys" by Steve Bidduph to be quite informative and helpful. Little did I know that all this innocent research I was doing to understand my youngest son would prove crucial (along with my background teaching Special Education and At-Risk kids) in saving my oldest son from the grips of the Boys with ADHD phenomena the following year.
Because of my oldest sons experiences at school this year I have started this blog. To share what I know with other parents. I'm terrified of what will happen to those boys whose parents do not know what I know. This is a place where I will post our experiences as well as information and links to help other parents of boys. It is important to know that one third of boys between 22 and 34 are living at home. I you want to free your son you need to know more. I suggest reading, "Raising Boys", and "Boys Adrift" by Leonard Sax (http://www.boysadrift.com/) and keeping up with this blog. Keep on your son's teacher. If you EVER hear his teacher say "I think your son has ADHD" get ready for a knock down drag out! Teachers are not doctors. I will post later on this topic, from my experience with my son's school, and my experience as a teacher who worked mainly with kids diagnosed ADHD. For now I'm signing off! Read on to empowerment!
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