Lord of the Flies

By the time we left my my in-laws to come home from our fourth of July weekend, Will had a bloody fat lip, claw marks on his cheek, and a sore fist. My nephew had a black eye, claw marks on his brow, and a great dislike for his Aunt Annie. He and Will are only 6 months apart in age and can only get along with constant supervision and assistance. Unfortunately this was the 4th of July and a family reunion. Most of the adults were preoccupied.

My mother in-law was correct in her observations of the weekend. She should be. She has three sons, and Five grandsons. No girls in this family! She observed that boys, unless they are told who is the leader, will fight it out until they determine who is the Alpha male. Her observation is backed up by Steve Biddulph (a Psychologist and renouned Family Therapist) in his Book "Raising Boys" (one of my must reads).

In Chapter Three Biddulph explains that boys have a need to know three things; Who's in charge, what are the rules, and will those rules be fairly enforced? When boys are unclear of the answer to any one of these three questions they will fight to determine the answer amongst themselves.

Every time we (adults) left my son, Will, and my nephew, Caleb alone to play it wasn't 2 minutes before a shrill, banshee like scream would split the air, followed by wailing that would shame a defeated beauty queen. They'd fight until one of them was bleeding. This was really frustrating, particularly for my husband and father in-law who just wanted the boys to play so they could relax. They'd just get situated in a lawn chair with a beer, and some food when all hell would break loose and they'd have to get up again. Sound familiar? Well there is a reason why the boys do this.

The Boys were fighting because Will wants to ensure justice, and Caleb wanted to ensure his power role in his house went unchallenged. Caleb did not want to share his toys or his grandparents with anyone else, Will saw this as a violation of the sharing rule. So they were challenging "who's in charge?" and "Will the rules be fairly enforced?" In the process they broke every rule. It was truly "Lord of the Flies".

Caleb now hates me for taking over and asserting dominance over both boys. I forced Caleb to share. I enforced the rules fairly to show them who was in charge. Eventually, Caleb would've come around, and been thankful to have not lost power to Willem, but since I was only in for the weekend, he felt as though he had lost power to me. A loss of power was a loss of power. Period. It may have been better had one of my in-laws stepped in, but they were entertaining the whole family and therefore couldn't be constant presence with the boys.

Biddulph claims that this conflict was not just caused by environmental stimuli, but by a biological one as well. Testosterone, he claims, has been proven to rise in environments where boys feel unsafe or fearful (i.e. in an environment that is abusive, or unsupervised), and drops in environments where boys feel safe, and supported. While natural levels of testosterone are determined prior to birth, those levels rise and fall throughout a boys life in response to their environment and physical development.

The conclusion to draw from this. If you see a group of ruckus boys you can bet there is a lack of adult leadership and involvement in their lives. Whether it be at a family reunion, playground, school, or street corner boys without leaders become their own worst enemies trying to determine who their leader is. The old adage, two boys can have an IQ of 100 separately, get them together and their collective IQ is 100 would seem to be true. To prevent this be sure you have structure set up for your sons. Games, or activities that allow them all to participate, that are led by adults. Just be safe, be their leader and provide them with the security they need.